Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
