Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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