Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
