I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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