dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
