those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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