3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
