I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Floor bacon is actually really good
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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