I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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