Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
