in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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