you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
