Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
