I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
