Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I party with great urgency now.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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