I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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