Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
