Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
