I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
