I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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