You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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