6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
