She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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