I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
