now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
