I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
