my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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