my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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