No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
