**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
