dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
