I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
