Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
