You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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