I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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