the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
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