I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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