the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize