How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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