I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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