There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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