I wish I only lived at night.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize