I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
