Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I have fence marks all over my body
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
