I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
