My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
