Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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