I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
