and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
