Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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