My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
