idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
