I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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