I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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