you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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